cobwebs

obligatory new year's post

2007-01-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

all is quiet on new year's day
a world in white gets underway
i want to be with you
be with you night & day
nothing changes on new year's day

i will be with you again

under a blood red sky
a crowd has gathered in black & white
arms entwined the chosen few
the newspaper sais
say it's true
we can break through
though torn in two
we can be one

i... i will begin again

maybe the time is right
maybe tonight
i will be with you again

so we're told this is the golden age
and gold is the reason for the wars we wage
though i want to be with you
be with you night & day
nothing changes on new year's day
--U2

it's been a long december, & there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last.

it's a day to hope for a better world, a better life. a day of well-wishing, & starting over.
i hope i can make the world around me a little brighter. i pray i can lead a better life this year. i wish her all the blessings He has for her. i resolve to start over, in a world without the Love i so long for. GOD, keep me strong. keep me on-task. let me never forget the lessons of the past year.
a happy new year to all, & may GOD bless your every endeavor. thank you all for reading. thank you for praying. thank you for being there when i needed you the most. you are all worth more than rubies.

obligatory Christmas post

2006-12-24T22:48:00.000-05:00

one of the advantages of having Christmas a few days earlier, is that you have the opportunity to get your photos out before anyone else has even taken any. so here's the big, tongue-wagging photo-post:

josh's scarf, made by auntie fro. complete with bunny-ears by scoupe.

abbey's very fluffy scarf, also a frogurl original.

mary got a hat. a hat every bit as cute as necessary, for such an adorable little girl. the sunglasses complete the ensemble, also from fro.
a timely gift from a thoughtful uncle scoupe.
are these guys cool, or what? Josh is a master of photojournalism at age 7. can't wait til he has his own camera (tomorrow).

a special thanks to scoupe, fro & DEG, for covering every single thing on my wish-list for the kids. you guys saved Christmas. also to darren's anonymous mom, for helping with the bikes. they LOVED them! hard times show you how good your good friends are, & i'm glad to know every one of y'all. you've been a blessing in other ways than material, & i Love you all for it.

merry Christmas!!!

shameless Christmas wish

2006-12-19T20:19:00.000-05:00

"she's throwing it all away" -phil collins or genesis
"cigarette lighter Love song" -butch walker or marvelous3
"don't say goodbye" -3rd day
"two sets of jones'" -big tent revival
"the heart of the matter" don henley
"send in the clowns" -frank sinatra
"swallowed" -bush
"why do i" -vince gill
"the freshmen" -the verve pipe
"gone" -montgomery gentry
"a better man" -clint black
"patience" -guns n' roses
"good" -better than ezra
"smoke in her hair" -daniel deerfoot (reprise by DEG)
"your wildest dreams" -moody blues
"shack's mom's song" -veggie tales (reprise by DEG)

this is the sountrack to November, 2006
if anyone has the time & know-how, i'd Love to get this in my stocking.

ECCESIASTES 3

2006-12-19T19:57:00.000-05:00

think of me every day
hold tight to what i say
then i'll be near to you
even from far away

know that wherever you are
it is never too far
if you think of me
i'll be with you
--junior asparagus

my marriage will soon be officially over. the real stink of it that i'm better off without her. seems strange to say, & i guess it is a strange thing. i concentrate better without her around. how sad for both of us. the fact is, she came between me & GOD. that's not her fault; i put her there. and if she'd never left me, i would probably have never removed her from that pedestal.
seaing the person i thought she was suddenly transform into who she currently is, is a sobering experience. Loving her is harder, now. wanting the best for her is hard, when i sea how much she's benefitting, materially, from leaving me. i don't say these things because i'm angry, though i am.
she needs healing. she will not open up to anyone. not me, ever; not anyone. she refuses to be vulnerable, & misses the best life has to offer.
she wants to limit me to seaing my children once a week. i will never agree to that. anything else, i can stomach. not that. they need me now more than ever, & i will not abandon them to appease her. i saw them yesterday, & already i miss them. i know they miss me, by their words & their actions. i haven't gone a day without speaking to them, & i don't intend to. i cannot let them down now, of all times.

1PETER 4:8

2006-12-07T22:39:00.000-05:00

once upon a time
once when you were mine
i remember skies
reflecting in you eyes
i wonder where you are
i wonder if you think about me
once upon a time
in your qildest dreams

once the world was new
our bodies felt the mourning dew
that greets the brand new day
we couldn't tear ourselves away
i wonder if you care
i wonder if you still remember
once upon a time
in your wildest dreams

when the music plays
when the words are touched with sorrow
when the music plays
i hear the sound i had to follow
once upon a time

once beneath the stars
the universe was ours
Love was all we knew
and all i knew was you
i wonder if you know
i wonder if you think about it
once upon a time
in your wildest dreams
--moody blues

i Love Yher no less today than yesterday, but i have to let Yher go. let Yher live Yher own life, if that's truly what Yshe wants to do. if ever a day comes wen Yshe regrets Yher decision, i will be here, waiting to welcome Yher home. until then, i can only go on with my life, offering Yher a GODly Love, & nothing else.

ISAIAH 40:31

2006-12-05T19:54:00.000-05:00

no song today. no equivocation, or ambiguity. no ifs, ands, or buts. there are plenty of whys...

i got served today. divorce papers, i mean. patience is a virtue, but it's never been my strong suit. i know it can get better. i even believe it will. but i don't know how much longer i can do this. forever, i guess. but i hate every moment of it. i miss my kids. i miss my Ywife. i'm still mourning what could have been, what could still be, if Yshe'd only try.
but trying is the one thing Yshe was never willing to do. Yshe tried at everything else. church, homework, housework, acting in Love. everything except actually having a relationship with me. Yshe confirmed my worst fears the other night: Yshe hasn't really Loved me since about a year into Your marriage. Yshe's barely even liked me, most of the time. Yshe had one foot out the door already, & i gave Yher just the excuse Yshe needed to go ahead & go.
Yshe won't forgive me, because Yshe doesn't Love me. even if Yshe did forgive me, Yshe wouldn't stay. i've forgiven Yher for everything sin Yshe ever committed against me, even the ones Yshe won't admit to. but only because it was easy, because i still Love Yher so much.
so that's where it stands. Yshe's elated at Yher newfound freedom, & i'm devastated at the loss of my entire life in one decision that i was never given a chance to influence.
it was never about anything i did or didn't do; Yshe just got bored with me. Yshe's ready to move on to the next relationship, find the next guy to keep Yher occupied for a while. but what then? if Yshe won't learn to open up, be real, be emotionally honest, Yshe'll forever be doomed to relive the same mistakes over & over. but if Yshe finally finds a man for whom Yshe's actually willing to put in a little hard work, try to have a real relationship, Yshe'll have found the key to happiness.
but if Yshe ever finds that man, & it's not me, how can i go on? why couldn't it have been me? it could've been me. why not? there's got to be a reason. because i've already done too much to hurt Yher? because Yshe's already bored of me? must it be someone new? why?
why?

MATTHEW 7:26

2006-11-29T22:03:00.001-05:00

Smoke In YHer Hair
Yshe got American underwear
sais i don't know but it seems to Yme
it can't be true Love if it isn't free
& baby
how can you feel what you can't sea
& maybe
sometime you'll come on up & sea Yme

four on the floor, Yshe opens the door
sais come on back baby if you want some more
you'd feel better if you understood
nothing bad could ever feel this good
& baby
you just can't feel what you can't sea
& baby
Yi know you can sea me

i say
hey there litlle Smoke In Her Hair
where's Yyour mama who's Yyour daddy
why Yyou wanna be so bad
i know Yyou're gonna do what Yyou want to
why Yyou gotta make me Love Yyou

Smoke In Her Hair
Yshe ain't wearing no underwear
i don't know but it seems to me
i have never felt so free
& baby
i just can't feel what i can't sea
& baby
Yshe's standing right in front of me

Yshe's all i can sea
Yshe's calling me baby
Yshe's telling me things
Yshe's making me crazy

Smoke In Her Hair
Yher hair in my face
tearing me up all over this place
i am not this strong
--daniel deerfoot

i 1st saw Yher on december 2nd, 1996. i didn't know who Yshe was. i didn't think i'd ever sea Yher again. i wrote a song about Yher, because i was captivated by Yher eyes. anyone who knows Yher knows that Yshe has beautiful eyes, but not really the kind that people write songs about. why did they stick with me like that? why did Ywe meet again, months later? why was Yshe attracted to me in the 1st place? i'm not even Yher type.
Yshe really wasn't my type, either. there was just something about Yher. i didn't even realize, until months later, that Yshe was the one who'd inspired one of my favourite songs. Yshe took my breath away twice. how did it happen? why did it happen? is there an answer other than what i am obviously thinking? were Ywe not simply meant to be together forever?
i know that means very little, considering the events of the past 9yrs., but it means the world to me. for one thing, how can it be that anything is bigger than Ywe can get through? more importantly, how stupid & blind was i, to create something bigger than Ywe could handle?
long story short: sucks to be me, because i can not help but Love Yher forever.

PSALM 94:19

2006-11-27T23:37:00.000-05:00

looking around the house
hidden behind the window & the door
looking for signs of life
but there's nobody home

maybe i'm just too sure
maybe i'm just too frightened by the sound of it
pieces of note fall down
but the letter said

it was good living with you
it was good

sitting around the house
watching the sun chase shadows on the floor
looking for signs of life
but there's nobody home

maybe i'll call or write you a letter
maybe we'll sea on the 4th of july
but i'm not to sure
& i'm not too proud to say

it was good living with Yyou
it was good
Yyou were so good
Yyou were so good
--better than ezra

Ywe decorated Yher Christmas tree tonight. that was excruciating, but otherwise, i had a pretty good time w/ Yher & the rugrats. Yshe made pasta for dinner. i had 2nds.
every time i'm over there after sunset, i just keep begging GOD that Yshe'll ask me to stay. i'll sleep on the couch. the floor. the roof. i don't care. just don't send me back here to what used to be Your home.
i hate it here. it's not a home anymore. it's just a shell of what used to be. it's like looking in a mirror. i got a haircut just so i could avoid mirrors as much as possible. because the only thing i hate more than this empty house is knowing what i did to earn it. how much i had to hurt Yher, to make this happen.
i know Yshe's still hurting, & there's nothing i can do for Yher. i can't comfort Yher, & i can't have comfort from Yher. all my friends, you've all been wonderful, & i thank you all for your encouragement, but all i really need is a little comfort from Yher. all i want is to be able to be there for Yher right now, & it kills me that i'm the last person on this earth Yshe'll take comfort from.
GOD help Yus both.

MATTHEW 17:21

2006-11-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

shed a tear because i'm missing Yyou
i'm still alright to smile
girl i think about Yyou every day now
was a time when i wasn't sure
but Yyou set my mind at ease
there is no doubt Yyou're in my heart now

said woman take it slow
it'll work itself out fine
all Ywe need is just a little patience
said sugar make it slow
Ywe'll come together fine
all we need is just a little patience

sit here on the stairs
because i'd rather be alone
if i can't have Yyou right now i'll wait dear
sometimes i get so tense
but i can't speed up the time
but Yyou know Love there's one more thing to consider

said woman take it slow
things will be just fine
Yyou & i'll just use a little patience
said sugar take the time
because the lights are shining bright
Yyou & i've got what it takes to make it
Ywe won't fake it
never break it
because i can't take it
--axl rose

thanks are due to scoupe & fro, the best family anyone ever had. don't know what i'd do w/out you guys. to anyone who prays, a simple "Your will be done in the lives & marriage of chris & YJennifer" would be greatly appreciated. Peace, Love & Contentment to all.

PROVERBS 18:22

2006-11-23T17:22:00.000-05:00

what do you say when it's over
i don't know if i should say anything at all
one day we're rolling in the clover
next thing you know we take the fall
still i think about the years since i 1st met you
and the way it might have been without you here
and i don't know if words from me can still upset you
but i've just got to make this memory stand clear

i know i'm leaving here a better man
for knowing you this way
things i couldn't do before now i think i can
and i'm leaving here a better man

i guess i always knew i couldn't hold you
but i'd never be the one to set you free
just like some old nursery rhyme your mama told you
you still believe in some old meant-to-be

i know i'm leaving here a better man
for knowing you this way
thins i couldn't do before now i know i can
and i'm leaving here a better man
--clint black

it's not fair that i get to come out of this a better man. what's Yshe got to show for giving me the best 9 1/2 years of her life? a broken heart, a loss of faith in Love, years of rebuilding Yher life, raising 3 kids essentially on Yher own. it's not fair, but there's nothing i can do about it, unless Yshe stays.
if Yshe stays. i can be a man Yshe can actually be proud of. i can show Yher how well i can Love Yher. together, Ywe can do great things in the lives of Your children, & community. Yshe's not going to stay, i know that. i understand. i can't stop Yher. if i could, i wouldn't. it's Yher decision to make.
it's just not fair.

MATTHEW 25:29

2006-11-23T12:20:00.000-05:00

this ain't no temporary typical tearful goodbye
this ain't no breaking up & waking up & making up one more time
this is gone

gone like a freight train
gone like yesterday
gone like a soldier in the civil war
gone like a '59 cadillac
like all the good things that ain't never coming back
she's gone

this ain't no give it time i'm hurting but maybe we can work it out
won't be no champaigne red rose romance second chance
this is gone

long gone done me wrong
never coming back my baby's gone
lonely at home sitting all alone
she's packed her bags & now she's gone
never coming back
--montgomery gentry

what else can be said? except that i owe everyone an apology. i'll call you all individually to explain.

MALACHI 2:16

2006-11-20T20:05:00.000-05:00

when i was young i knew everything
she a punk who rarely ever took advice
now i'm guilt-stricken sobbing with my head on the floor
stop a baby's breath & a shoe-full of rice

can't be held responsible
she was touching her face
won't be held responsible
she fell in Love in the 1st place

for the life of me
i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise
for the life of me
i cannot believe
we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

we try to wash our hands of all of this
we never talk of our lack in relationships
and how we're guilt-stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip
we'd say

can't be held responsible
she was touching her face
i won't be held responsible
she fell in Love in the 1st place

for the life of me
i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise
for the life of me
i cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

we were only freshmen
--the verve pipe

Yshe told me today that Yshe saw a lawyer last thursday, & he's drawing up the papers. i don't even know what Yshe's mad about anymore. i know Yshe's got plenty of things to choose from; i did plenty of things wrong. Ywe both did. but i don't know what's got Yher so pissed off that Yshe can't sea straight. maybe i'm wrong; maybe Yshe's perfectly calm in there, calculating how quickly Yshe can get out of a sinking ship.
maybe i'm just lost in all my emotion, & Yher seeming lack of any regrets, or even 2nd thoughts. how miserable must Yshe have been, for this to even be a remotely desireable option? for it to be the 1st & best option, how blind must i have been to Yher suffering?

EPHESIANS 6:12

2006-11-19T19:36:00.000-05:00

why do i choose the things i choose
why do i always find some lame excuse
why do i not realize what i could do
i wish i knew the reason why

why do you get that sad look on your face
why do you pull away from my embrace
why do you sea all my faults & my mistakes
i wish you knew the reason why

why do we treat each other like we do
it's like we never even try
why can't we get back to the Love we knew
why baby why

why do we have to play those same old games
why do we run away from who's to blame
can't we sea to lose this Love would be a shame
i wish we knew the reason why
--vince gill

had the kids over for the weekend. thanks to dad, for his insight on asking the harder questions. Josh is pretty upset, & it's the hardest for Mary, who can't really understand what's going on. Abbey's handling it, but seems fraid to talk @ anything important (like her dad's failure to quit smoking a week ago).
it was fun, though, & i got to just be around them. i got to be their dad again, if only for a couple days.
next week's pretty booked already: i'm taking Abbey & Josh to a gladiators game tuesday; wednesday's Josh's 7th birthday; thursday, Jenn & te kids are coming over around 6pm for Thanksgiving dinner; we're all going to chuck e. cheese's on saturday, for a mini-celebration of Josh's birthday, & two of his friends'.
somewhere in all that, i've got to work my day job, find a new night job (yeah, i got fired from sonic! ask me about the story...), get this house organized, finish de-bugging my new old refrigerator, & study, study, study (my bible, i'm not back in school or anything. well "the school of hard knocks"...).
maybe He'll make the sun stand still for a few hours a day?

1 CORINTHIANS 13:8

2006-11-19T08:39:00.000-05:00

miss the one that i Love a lot
miss the one that i Love a lot
i Love her
--gavin rossdale

LUKE 11:17

2006-11-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

isn't it rich
aren't we a pair
me here at last on the ground
and you in mid-air

send in the clowns

isn't it bliss
don't you approve
one who keeps tearing around
and one who can't move

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns

just when i stopped
opening doors
finally finding the one
that i wanted was yours

making my entrance
again with my usual flair
sure of my lines
nobody's there

don't you Love a farce
my fault i fear
i thought that you;d want what i want
sorry my dear

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns
don't bother
they're here

isn't it rich
isn't it queer
losing my timing this late
in my career

but where are the clowns
send in the clowns
well maybe
next year
--frank sinatra

3rd day has a song that goes, "Please take from me my life, when i don't have the strength to give it away to you." I used to sing, "Please take from me my wife..." Of course, I used to get hit a lot from the passenger seat, too. Isn't it a little funny, though?

How 'bout the fact that the times she liked me best (mid-2003 to mid-2006) were the times I liked myself least. Or the fact that I felt like we were finally taking some big steps in the right direction, as far as our relationship, & our family.

How about the fact that I am now --today-- more like I was when she fell in Love with me than at any point since. C'mon, you gotta admit, it's a little funny. Funny in the crying way, not the laughing way.

Not that I've cried excessively today. Just a couple times, & they were brief. I'm okay right now, for example. I just still really, really miss her.

Thanks, everyone for your prayers. I promise someday, my posts won't be all rambly all the time. Someday. For now, it's really more about having the release than being stylish or witty.

MATTHEW 6:37

2006-11-15T18:57:00.000-05:00

i got the call today i didn't want to hear
but i knew that it would come
an old true friend of ours was talking on the phone
she said you found someone

and i thought of all the bad luck & the struggles we went through
how i lost me & you lost you
what are these voices outside Love's open door
make us throw off our contentment & beg for something more

i'm learning to live without you now
but i miss you sometimes
the more i know the less i understand
all the things i thought i knew i'm learning again

been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter

but i think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if you don't Love me anymore

these times are so uncertain there's a yearning undefined
people filled with rage
we all need a little tenderness how can Love survive
in such a graceless age

trust & self-assurance that lead to happiness
they're the very tings we kill i guess
pride & competition cannot fill these empty arms
and the work i put between us you know it doesn't keep me warm

i'm learning to live without you now
but i miss you baby
the more i know the less i understand
all the things i thought i'd figured out i have to learn again

been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
but the flesh will get weak
and the ashes will scatter

so i'm thinking about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if you don't Love me anymore
--don henley

so i'm trying to quit smoking. and drive the speed limit (or keep up w/the flow of traffic, whichever's faster). and be a more compassionate person. and trust GOD. and give her space. and lean not on my own understanding. and learn to be "perplexed but not despairing. and stop repeating myself. and stop repeating myself.
advice in any of these areas would be appreciated.

PSALM 127:1

2006-11-14T20:22:00.000-05:00

this here's a song about two sets of jones'
rothschild & evelyn, reuben & sue
just for discussion through random selection
we've chosen two couples who haven't a clue

rothschild was lucky to marry so wealthy
evelyn bought him a house on the beach
reuben & sue they had nothing but Jesus
at night they would pray that He'd care for them each

and the rain came down
and it blew the four walls down
and the clouds they rolled away
one set of jones' was standing that day

evelyn's daddy was proud of young rothschild
worked the late hours to be number one
just newlyweds & their marriage got rocky
he's flying to dallas she's having a son

reuben was holding a gideons' bible
he screamed it's a boy so that everyone heard
the guys at the factory took up collection
again GOD provided for bills he'd incurred

and the rain came down
and it blew the four walls down
and the clouds they rolled away
one set of jones' was standing that day

so what is the point of this story
what am i trying to say
is your life built on the rock of Christ Jesus
or a sandy foundation you've managed to lay

well needless to say evelyn left her husband
and sued him for every penny he had
i truly wish that those two would find Jesus
before things get worse than they already have

and the rain came down
and it blew the four walls down
and the clouds they rolled away
there's two sets of jones'
which ones will you be
--big tent revival

talked to my dad tonight. i even managed to get through an entire conversation w/out so much as tearing up. which makes me feel like a big phony. also, i have one amendment to my list of needs: a roommate. if anybody knows anybody, or knows anybody who knows anybody, please send them my way.
also, if the praying ones out there would include gary (my confidante) & jana (hers) in their prayers, that GOD would supply the right things for them to say, that would be exceedingly abundantly sweet. and a prayer for her other friend (who shall remain anonymous) to discover GOD's will for her tongue would be nice, too.
other than that, if anyone knows how to make shepherd's pie just the way she did...

MATTHEW 19:6

2006-11-13T23:04:00.000-05:00

look outside the autumn leaves are falling
deep inside you hear the road is calling
i know you want to walk away
and leave it all behind
you're running from nothing

chasing lies can find you tired & jaded
in your world the colours have all faded
if you think that you can find a place
to get away from the pain
you're looking for nothing

i hate to sea you leave without a fight

time will open doors for you
wishes spent make dreams come true
i promise i'll be there
don't say goodbye

take my hand let's walk a while together
holding hands won't make Love last forever
i know you probably need someone
to help you work it out
you've got to do something

i hate to sea you leave without a fight
--mac powell

i started organizing what's left of the house today. miraculously, i'm not too depressed about it. as for the promised list of things i need:

-prayer for a willing spirit
-prayer for His will to be done in my life
-prayer for restoration to the joy of His salvation
-prayer for wisdom to discern His will
-prayer for a steadfast spirit
-prayer that my faith may not fail
-encouragement
-forgiveness
-sleep
-peace of mind

1 CORINTHIANS 7:33

2006-11-12T20:13:00.000-05:00

i know you're not asleep
i can feel you moving over there
you're playing with the seams
of your worn out underwear

my lips are raw as hell
from biting on them just to stay awake
it's not like i'm gonna need them
you won't be around
to sea them bleed & break

all that i do
comes back to you
so i'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
all i can do
is try not to screw this up again
and just be friends
i'd rather be dead

i drove out of east atlanta
with a headache as big as my car
i called you to say i was okay
because i know how you are

i'm like a movie without an ending
i've got nowhere to go
and it makes me want to throw up
to sea you want to give up
more than you'll ever know

everything's supposed to have a happy ending
but the record keeps skipping & the needle keeps bending
like the road i'm driving on to the bridge that has no end
i want to take back everything i've broken
but the bridge is behind me burning & smoking
i guess this is the end

all that i do
comes back to you
so i'll just think about you 'til there's nothing in my head
all i can do
is try not to screw this up again
and just be friends
i'd rather be dead
--butch walker

my 1st weekend back in the house alone has been pretty rough. thanks are due to fro, for letting me unload on her. and to darren, for lunch. an apology to darren, as well, for making him an unhappy grem. still waiting for one from Prego, for eating my 1/2 of her sandwich.
if anyone knows of anyone w/ an extra toaster or kitchen table, i'd be willing to let them christen it w/ me. i'll cook & clean up, even. so let me know, if you're interested. i may just post a list of all the things i need, but don't want to pay for...
short of minor material wants, the more prayer the better. for His will to be done in my life, & the lives of my family. i know HE IS listening, but sometimes i feel like i'm praying into an umbrella. the weight that i'm supposed to let Him take falls right back on my head, & sends me reeling.
anyone wanting a more detailed account of what's been going on is welcome to call, or e-mail. if you don't have my info, you probably know someone who does. i'll warn you, it's not family material, so prepare to be embarassed if you ask, because i'll tell you. if you doubt that you'll be uncomfortable, you can ask my poor sister...

GENESIS 2:18

2006-11-11T17:44:00.000-05:00

need i say i Love you
need i say i care
need i say that emotions
are something we don't share

i don't want to be sitting here
trying to decieve you
because you know i know baby
that i don't want to go

we cannot live together
we cannot live apart
that's the situation
we've known it from the start

every time that i look at you
i can sea the future
because you know i know baby
that i don't want to go

she's throwing it all away
throwing it all away
is there nothing that i can say
to make you change your mind

i watch the world go 'round & 'round
i can sea mine turning upside down

who'll light up the darkness
who will hold your hand
who will find you the answers
when you don't understand

why should i have to be the one
who has to convince you
because you know i know baby
that i don't wanna go

someday you'll be sorry
someday when you're free
memories will remind you
that our Love was meant to be

but late at night when you call my name
the only sound you'll hear
is the sound of your voice calling
calling after me

she's throwing it all away
throwing it all away
and there's nothing that i can say
we're throwing it all away

--phil collins

sorry for not having kept anyone in the loop recently. Jenn & the kids moved out today. she's gone to live with her grandparents.
i'm working a lot, & praying a lot. i guess once i get to where i can be called a righteous man, my effectual, fervent prayers will availeth much. Until then, i'd appreciate anyone who wants to add theirs to mine.
that's really all i know how to say right now. sorry. i'll be in touch with everyone in the near future.

perspective

2006-10-11T19:46:00.000-04:00

1.raleigh, nc (j.w.'s old rental house) 1977-1978?
2.homestead, fl (base housing) == 1978?-1979?
3.raleigh, nc == 1979?-1980?
4.homestead, fl (rental house?) == 1980?-1984
5.raleigh, nc (rental house on buck branch dr) == 1984
6.adak, ak (base housing) == 1984-1985
7.pensacola, fl (lime green, cinderblock rental house) == 1985-1986
8.virginia beach, va (townhouse) == 1986
9.virginia beach, va (house on peridot dr.) == 1987-1991
10.raleigh, nc (pine winds apartments) == 1991
11.raleigh, nc (holly hill mental health institute) == 1991
12.richmond, va (charter: westbrook) == 1991-1992
13.gainesville, ga (j.w.'s house) == 1992
14.hawaii, hi (base housing) == 1992-1995
15.lawrenceville, ga (mom's rental house on meadow wood ct.) == 1995-1996
16.lawrenceville/duluth/lilburn, ga area (1984 buick regal) == 1996
17.lawrenceville, ga (mom's rental house on meadow wood ct.) == 1996
18.lawrenceville, ga (central park apartments) == 1996-1999
19.hoschton, ga (the apartments we burned to the ground) == 1999-2001
20.lawrenceville, ga (Jenn's mom's house on amber wood dr.) == 2001-2002
21.lawrenceville, ga (house on sir knight's way) == 2002-2005
22.dacula, ga (julianna & stephen's house in apalachee heritage) == 2005
23.dacula, ga (rental house on majestic circle) == 2005-2006

...yup, scoupe's got me beat.

just a quick update

2006-10-06T23:02:00.000-04:00

must blog. much news. but, i'm not feeling particularly witty.
but i must tell.

i got a new job! i start monday (645am) @ atlanta refrigeration service. i'll be performing routine maintenance & repairs on foodservice equipment. (mostly) regular hours! (almost all) weekends off! nights off (except the few i'll be moonlighting @ sonic)! oh brave, new world!

i was told to blog...

2006-10-02T02:32:00.000-04:00

so i offer you these recycled thoughts:

quotes from the chick-fil-a refrigerator
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

life is what happens while you're making other plans. -john lennon -4sep95
just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you. -kurt cobain -5sep95
nothing sais Love like a gift of canned meat. -david letterman -6sep95
everybody must get stoned. -bob dylan -10sep95
lorie, i Love you! -homie -13sep95
i'm quite contented to take my chances against the gildensterns & rosencrantzes. -spin doctors -16sep9
kings & queens & guillotines -steven tyler -17sep95
all i wanna do is have a little fun before i die. -william, a.k.a. bill or billy or mac or buddy -18sep
beelzebub has a devil put aside for me. -freddy mercury
into this house we're born; into this world we're thrown. -jim morrison
the play's the thing wherin i'll catch the conscience of the king. -hamlet
this is what it sounds like when doves cry. -prince
I AM the way, the truth & the light; no man cometh unto the Fater but by Me. -Jesus
seems like i should be getting somewhere... -soul assylum
i can't complain but sometimes i still do. -joe walsh
fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round. -freddy mercury
coulda had a v8. -henry rollins -ice-t -crawdaddy
i'm a winner; i'm a sinner. do you want my autograph? -supertramp
are you a lucky little lady in the city of light, or just another lost angel in a city of night? -jim morrison
we must save them from themselves by slaughtering them. -crawdaddy
bone's for the dog; meat's for the man. -rosie o'donnell
all you need is Love. -john lennon
i'm the king of the world! -cassius clay
live & let die. -paul mccartney
keese mabbut. -that's what the brazilian equivalent of aphrodite said to the african henchman to shaka-zulu, back in the day
innuendo inne your windowe endo. -tara turner -crawdaddy
people are strange when you're a stranger. -jim morrison
just because you're winning don't mean you're the lucky one. -axl rose
oh! happy dagger, this is thy sheath; there rust & let me die. -juliet montague
somebody's gonna hurt somebody. -don henley
this'll be the day that i die. -good ol' boys
gimme one reason to stay here, & i'll turn right back around. -tracy chapman
get your tongue outta my mouth. i'm kissin you goodbye. -waylan jennings
i get up around seven; get outta bed around nine. -axl rose
it's just you against your tattered libido, the banker & the mortician forever. -axl rose
get into the groove & let the good times roll. -mick jagger
when i look back on all the crap i learned in high scholl, it's a wonder i can think at all. -paul simon
i'm worst at what i do best, & for this gift i feel blessed. -kurt cobain
i'm the establishment... if you're not against me, you're for me, dude. -crawdaddy

Job 7:1-4

2006-08-15T19:47:00.000-04:00

1 "Does not man have hard service on earth?

Are not his days like those of a hired man?

2 Like a slave longing for the evening shadows,

or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages,

3 so I have been allotted months of futility,

and nights of misery have been assigned to me.

4 When I lie down I think, 'How long before I get up?'

The night drags on, and I toss till dawn."

Does anyone believe it's just a coincidence that slang for "work" is simply a mispronunciation of this speaker's name?

2006-08-01T17:41:00.000-04:00

so guess what i did today, when i got home. & guess what i didn't do.

i didn't sit on the porch for 4hrs, working on the schedule. & i did enjoy a little afternoon delight, followed by a nap. the perfection of my new, lowly, assistant manager life was only briefly broken, by my tehnologically advanced & privacy deficient son, who's been unlocking inside doors since he was 5.

now, we're headed to the home of a friend from church, to enjoy an "end of the year" pool party. life is sweet.

strategery

2006-07-31T13:19:00.000-04:00

as i sit here listening to my laundry in the next room, pondering what my 1st day @ the "new" job will be like, i realize that mostly no-one has any idea what's been going on this end of the blogosphere. so, here's a (sorta) brief update:

i've been hating my job for, oh, 6 mos. or so now. most of you already know that, & the reasons why. then i got "fired". really, i'm being "demoted". really, it's a transfer to a newer store (read: "all the equipment actually works") & a raise in pay. oh, & less responsibilities.

in other words: no more taking work home; no more tedious, weekly meetings; no more sitting on the front porch for the better part of my "day off", making next week's schedule, or covering shifts on this week's; no more ethical dilemnas, forcing me to choose the lesser of 2 evils. i'm now an employee, rather than an employer &, as such, am free to treat the people under me as if they actually have worth.

...did i mention more $ & less responsibility, hours, headaches, & grey areas?

i don't mean for this to seem like one of fro's, becca's or karen's blogs, but...

i mean, who else but GOD could've engineered this? this is exactly what i wanted --needed, but could not find a way to do. this is a beneficial move in every way.

except gas. oof! that gas! i love my truck, but 12 miles per gallon!?!

but i digress. the point is: everything's just peachy this side o' town. y'all come over some time.

oh, & also: GOD is great!

si, se puede

2006-05-12T23:43:00.000-04:00

i got home from work today, & there were 4 strangers in my house. i think they're cantonese, 'cause i can't understand a word 3 of them are saying (& as everyone knows, i speak every language but cantonese). the 4th one speaks english, though, so he does all the translating.

"i know we're not invited, but she cleaned all your dishes, she did all the laundry, he's cutting your grass right now, & i was just @ to start dinner. we're doing all the things around the house that you hate to do. we're the backbone of this household, you know."

when i demanded that the intruders evacuate the premises, the translator balked. "you can't make us leave. we're a part of your family now. besides, if you talk your wife into letting us stay, we'll side w/you on all major decisions. oh, & you'll need to add the 4 of us to your insurance policies, also. & don't even think @ calling the cops, or we'll have all our friends & 1/2 the u.s. senate block your driveway, trample your begonias, kick your dog & slander your name. incidentally, we find the term 'uninvited intruders' to be offensive, & demand to be referred to as "unexpected houseguests'."

"and of course you'll need to learn cantonese, & teach it to your kids, because the other 3 aren't planning to ever learn english. why should they? it might dilute their unique culture. you wouldn't want someone's unique culture diluted, now would you? this is America, after all. the Great Diversity Pot, you know."

"also, don't expect us to follow the house rules. we find some of them somewhat racist, to be perfectly frank. others of them are counter to our unique, & therefore valuable, culture. & we can't understand all the rest, b/c they're not in our native tongue. again, it would be in the best interest of your begonias, family pets & reputation, if you did not attempt to enforce these house rules on us."

"oh, & i borrowed your toothbrush. hope you don't mind." then he smiled, & added, "just kidding! i don't really care how you feel @ it."

closer to fine

2006-05-10T19:02:00.000-04:00

though eduardo (& hugo mujica) puts it much better, i've now had time to formulate the implied answer to my previous post:

any resolution made based on who i fancy myself to be is bound to fail. if i truly want to do well, i must base my plan of action on the person who will actually be responsible for carrying it out: myself as i honestly am, not as i'd like to be. admitting my weaknesses to myself is the 1st step in identifying a workable solution to any trial i encounter.

a legless man would not attempt to climb a mountain in the traditional fashion; how can i, w/ my great diversity of shortcomings, (the greatest of which is a profound lack of will-power,) expect to accomplish anything thru an ordinary resolution?

so, i am less perfect than i already thought myself to be, but a little closer to true perfection for having realized it. & from here, i go... (scanning the horizon, licking my finger, & holding it aloft...)

umm... that way?

identity

2006-05-05T16:34:00.000-04:00

i've spent so much time & ink lately, bemoaning the fact that i'm not the man i want to be/think i ought to be. now i'm thinking that maybe it's just @ admitting to myself who i really am, & learning to operate on that basis. not really an appealing prospect, but it may, in the long run, lead to greater happiness, self-fulfillment, etc. in the long run...

wanted:

2006-04-20T02:07:00.000-04:00

in search of an appropriately themed side-kick, to aid in quest to rid the earth of ignorance, pomposity & moderation. ex-cons welcome, as you will be paid in cigarettes.

please, no spokespersons, present or former.

...unless you currently represent verizon wireless.
(please-please-PLEASE call)

please apply promptly, as this opening will be filled as quickly as possible.

oh, & the Hero of Chappaquiddick need not apply, either.

italicized tangents

2006-04-18T00:09:00.000-04:00

...in keeping w/my usual habit of getting things done well in advance of the deadline, no matter how tedious the task, i filed my taxes this mourning, at least 13hrs before they were due...

...so tomorrow, i'm calling h&r block, to sea if it's too late for them to fix 'em. i'm pretty sure i screwed 'em up badly. i'm getting back @ $1,000 less in federal, & @ the same in state (which equals owing $400 to gov. Sonny)...

...speaking of him, he signed the bill today, to make illegals illegal. you know, the law that makes breaking the law against the law...

...wait, did i say illegals? i meant "undocumented immigrants," of course...

...by the way, pass the word: islamic terrorists are henceforth to be referred to as "terrorists who abusively invoke the religion of islam." you know, the religion that directs followers who encounter infidels to either convert, enslave or kill them. yeah, the religion of peace. that's the one...

...speaking of murder, there's gon' be some dead mexicanas, if they don't show up for work on the 1st. apparently the 1st 2or3 rally/boycotts didn't get the point across, so there's another one on...

...oh, & i didn't actually send any $ w/my state return. think they'll notice? whatever. if they come lookin' for it, i'm goin' freedom fighter on their asses...

...know how much $ was wired from georgia to mexico last year? 9 billion dollars. where's the irs on that one? i'm keepin' my $409.00, & there ain't nothin' you can do @ it...

...'cause if they come take it, i'm filing for welfare, & then i'll just get it back, plus your $, too.

2006-04-12T13:02:00.000-04:00

so i noticed something today, in my wanderings through the local blogosphere: fro still has her care-bear picture on her profile. fine w/me, since we're actually irish, & don't revert back to whatever european mutt we really were @ the stroke of last call in the wee hours of march 18th.

but my profile, (which i've been editing frequently, in hopes of surpassing fro in # of hits,) has a picture of me looking irish*. not to rub it in, or anything. ok, maybe just a little. all this to say:

"i'm more irish than you are!"

(so it's not actually possible, given that we share the same parents, but it's still fun to stick out your tongue @ a sibling every now & then, yaknow? by the way, scoupe is hereby prohibited from commenting on this post.)

*disclaimer: said photo is 10 years old, & taken @ such an angle that nearly anyone would appear to possess elfin features.

static

2006-04-10T19:59:00.000-04:00

just to remind anyone who's forgotten, & reiterate since i've gone awhile w/out saying it:

i hate my job.

i hate my boss.

& i may have to quit my job, just to get a day off.

onomatopoeia

2006-04-08T20:53:00.000-04:00

so, i get home yesterday in a funk, & set about journaling aggressively. yes. aggressive is the appropriate word, i promise. unlike when the cop wrote me a ticket for "aggressive driving." whatever, man. i drive pro-actively.

anyway, i'm complaining that i wish i were stupider, b/c then life would be easier & more fun. honestly, i really said (wrote) so. but then i figure, since i' can't be as dumb as i want to be, i may as well expend my efforts on something more useful than complaining.

so i invented a new personality, a relative, & an unlikely sequence of events to write about. the idea is that this short story can be the 1st part of the 1st chapter of the Great American Novel. i realize that the actualization of such a far-fetched dream is still very unlikely, & a good ways off in any event, but i've never been closer to it.

feels nice. i made something. who knew i could do that?

my best friend wants me dead

2006-04-06T19:53:00.000-04:00

it seems i have a birthday gift from fro, waiting to be recieved. which means Marlboro wasn't the only one to get me something this year. still, fro's gonna have to try pret-ty hard to beat Marlboro's gift: a credit-card-shaped bottle opener.

good ole' Marlboro. never forgets my birthday. last year, i got a deck of playing cards & a "butt bag," an odor-proof pouch in which to temporarily store cigarette butts when there isn't an ash tray handy. like on the flight to vegas. and the cards! Marlboro must be psychic!

the year before that, i got a nifty little lighter cover which, when slipped easily over any standard-sized BIC lighter, transforms it into a fashionably antique-looking Marlboro lighter. that's in addition to the free Zippo i got for filling out the Marlboro mailing list in the 1st place.

Camel never sends me anything. you'd think Camel didn't even care if i was alive or dead. all i ever get is the occasional cigarette coupons. too occasional, in fact, causing me to have to use the coupons Marlboro sends to fill in the gaps. i like Camel so much better, but Marlboro knows how to treat a guy, ya know?

did i mention Marlboro also sent me a bar-be-que cookbook on the 4th of July? and a free cd, on a tuesday? yep, Marlboro's the best friend a guy could ever have.

thanks.

2006-04-05T17:03:00.000-04:00

scoupe, for the offer of going out Saturday.
fro, for the text message.
karen, for the comment. (how'd you know, though?)
eduardo, for the wishes.
dad, for the card.
also a silent shout-out to those who'll never hear it here:
j.w., for the card.
amy, for the card w/ the cute little ass on it.

without you guys, my birthday would've come & gone, leaving me $1.00 richer, as usual.

just had to share

2006-03-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

my idiot cat just got her head stuck through the handle of one of those little paper gift bags, & ran @ 14 laps around the house (including behind every chair, over every flat surface, etc.) trying to get away from it. oh, the hilarity of a frightened-but-exhausted feline! anyway, everyone here's asleep, but the story had to be told.

this is your brain on 80 hrs/wk

2006-03-11T01:02:00.000-05:00

site of the day

2006-03-05T16:11:00.000-05:00

so i keep having ideas for new top 5 lists, but didn't wanna over-do it. istead of following that inclination to moderation, i created a new blog. while it's not exactly dedicated to top 5's, it's definitely in that general genre. (is "general genre" a redundancy?)

anyway, it's called "of the day," b/c i plan to update daily. wish me luck on that resolution!

RECYCLED THOUGHTS: 27FEB06 (or, "what i do when i should be sleeping")

2006-02-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

so, if i feel like i got so much done today, why do i also feel as if i left so much undone? it's always like this ; it must be something @ my state of mind.

on the rare occasions when i have energy, & the even rarer days when i also feel motivated, i'm like a whole different person. i fell asleep in the chair for @ an hour today,& got mad @ it when i woke up. i'm usually mad @ having woken up.

but it's like that seldom-used, get-things-done part of my brain awakens once a month &, no matter how much i do, keeps coming up w/ 2 additional tasks for every 1 completed. it sets one to wondering whether the constant state of emergency caused by compulsive procrastination isn't less stressful than falling farther & farther from the ultimate goal of having everything done.

perhaps if the goal was revised. if one were to set out each day to "get things done," rather than to "get everything done," that frustration which accompanies the setting of the sun may be somewhat diminished.maybe even replaced by a sense of accomplishment.

on the other hand, of what use is accomplishment, if it leads not to eventual rest? perhaps a restful spirit is better than a rested body & mind? i fear i may never experience either, & so be incapable of an authoritative answer to my own query.

and now, how conceited i must be! to ask a question of myself, fully expecting an eventual --if not immediate-- answer, betrays an undue faith in my own intellect. if acknowledgement of ignorance is truly the beginning of wisdom, (& i believe it is so,) then how far i have yet to go! though i know, w/ my intellect, that i know little, that same intellect contradicts its own wisdom w/ its assumption of an ability to decipher any mystery encountered.

however many times i try to put myself in my proper place, i am ever confounded by that other part of myself, which finds it ultimately appropriate that i, in my wisdom, should be the one to do so. in acknowledging my ignorance, (which i do honestly,) i feed my own ego, by demonstrating to myself how wise i must be, to know that i am so ignorant.

oh, the profundity of my dissertations! it is matched only by the futility. and with that thought, i surrender yet another day, & slink dizzily off to bed, hopeful of a fresh start in the mourning, in a bright world, where everything is exactly as it ought to be, & i, like paul simon, may converse contentedly w/ any lampost that wanders my way, confident in the fact that i've nothing to get done.

reciprocation

2006-02-22T19:39:00.000-05:00

c'mon, guys!

i replied to everyone willing to venture a guess on my little pop quiz, including your scores. (yes, there was partial credit given.) isn't anyone gonna tell me how i did? not that it's a contest, or anything. (i already know i'm a better friend than you...)

it is a bit of a blow to the ego to sea that only immediate family felt qualified to even take the "friendship test," but i've known for a while now that i need to get some real friends. anybody interested? i don't have a trampolene, or a swimming pool, or much money, or a hot older sister, or much time for anything but work & sleep...

but hey, i'm fun!

just ask all my friends...

in defense of my fashion sense

2006-02-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

i once had a pair of red shorts. they were sweatpant-like material, but thicker, & they said
"INDIANA
BASKETBALL"
on one leg. they were given to me by a girlfriend, who was moving to indiana &, apparently, thought i might like to become a hoosier fan for her memory's sake. in fact, i did not become a fan. i moved on rather quickly, but i kept the shorts.

the last time i saw them, they were actually an orange-ish shade, & read
"I___/NA
_A___T__LL"
on the leg. the only reason i realize this is the time someone mentioned that my pink shirt didn't match my orange shorts. the pink shirt was actually red, as well. they'd each faded in their own, unique way, & i'd failed to notice any change at all.

what were red shorts when i got them ought naturally to match what was a red shirt when i bought it. i still fail to sea the flaw in my logic, notwithstanding the aforementioned evidence to the contrary. and isn't there some merit to a thought process which, however erroneously, allows things to remain forever young?

my best blanket, even with the fresh cigarette burn, will remain my best blanket until the tattered threads crumble to dust in the wind; my favourite hat will never be anything but blue to me, no matter how many people call it grey; my wife will always be as youthful ,beautiful & mysterious as the day i 1st laid eyes on her.

as for the things that i allow to change -- my jeans, my children, my boots: they will only ever change for the better. a good pair of levi's 501 button fly's is never as perfect as the day before they fall to pieces; children, like lovers, only get better w/ each new discovery of the person inside there; boots are most comfortable after several years of breaking-in.

so maybe i have no fashion sense. or maybe i'm old-fashioned. maybe just out of fashion. most likely, i'm fixated on comfort, but i'm comfortable w/ my way of thinking, so i'm stickin' w/ it.

hrs in a day

2006-02-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

24 hrs in a day
x
7 days in a week
=
168

168 hrs in a week
-
87 hrs @ work
=
81 hrs @ home

all spent sleeping.

RECYCLED THOUGHTS: 22JAN06 (or, "context")

2006-01-30T01:53:00.000-05:00

i'm a pretty good problem-solver. i'm also proficient, if slightly less prolific, @ creating problems. is there a career that i might base on one or both of these talents?

singer-songwriter; essayist, columnist & novelist; orator & statesman; honorary PhD, lecturer & professor; missionary, apologist & preacher; talk-show host; president; actor & philanthropist...

think anyone has an opening for one of these? perhaps @ the intern level?...

have i no practical skills? have i, with my (i think) considerable knack for picking up new things, never bothered to try my hand @ anything useful? not one thing? have i been allowed to live this long in vain? what has my life meant, up to now?

all this, from a simple passage which served as my 2-minute Bible study. work in all things as unto the LORD. it began to sink in, as i (finally) cleaned the slush machine: i can labor as unto the LORD, but how can i serve Him, in a middle-management capacity?

no man can serve two masters. how to reconcile this point of faith w/the previous? i must either serve Him @ my employer's expense, or vice-versa.

this is what blogs are for. i need outside input.

RECYCLED THOUGHTS: 21JAN06 (or "confessions of a hypothetical man")

2006-01-30T01:27:00.000-05:00

... i want to find a new job. not b/c i hate mine (i do), & not b/c i don't make enough $ (i don't), & not b/c i work too much (i do). this job wears on my conscience.

it seems every decision i make is a compromise, either between my work ethic & my Love for my Family, or between what i ought to do as a Christian & what i am paid to do. my conscience won't let me slide w/ "i'm just doing my job."

if my job forces me to betray my conscience, then isn't my duty to find one that won't? ... i can't stand managing people. it's manipulative by nature, 1st of all. it also pits my people's interest against my employers, & therefore against my own.

... i'd rather not do it @ all. but then i come to The Great Obstacle: what else can i do, & make good enough $?

so i come to yet another conflict, in addition to:
1] work vs. family;
2] conscience vs. job description;
3] enjoyment of career vs. advancement in career.

4] is this:
how can i not keep the job i shouldn't have, when it is in my Family's best (fiscal) interest to do so?

to strike off on a new career @ 28 is to jeapoardize my children's educational opportunities, my Wife's old age, & our immediate standard of "living."
to think that i could be a better husband, father, Christian -- a better man -- if only i had a more suitable career, is folly. i am the man i've chosen to be, through my actions, & through my inaction. to assume that any job can reverse my drift seems ridiculous. and yet...
if only i had more time. more hrs. in the day, to eat well, sleep well, to spend w/my Wife & kids, to study the Bible, to establish a routine, to exercise, to invest in hobbies, to get @ to it, to devote to ministry, to read, write, sing, pray, think, dream...
time is the key. ... what career am i qualified for, that can earn me $40k+/yr., while not taking more than 50hrs of my week?
a better starting point might be: what career am i qualified for?

future me hates now me hates past me

2006-01-25T00:31:00.000-05:00

speaking of how well you know me, i have an idea for a fun little game. (i promise i'll do better than w/the last one.)
anyone who attempts to answer these 10 questions qualifies as a friend. those who get @ least 5 right may consider themselves close. also, for anyone who tries, i'll try to answer the same questions for you.
1] what's my favourite sports team?
2] what season do i prefer?
3] what's my favourite food category? (i.e. chinese, jamaican, cajun...)
4] is my cup 1/2 full, or 1/2 empty?
5] are my political views more republican, or democrat?
6] what would be my perfect job?
7] where would i most like to live?
8] what's your earliest memory of me? (note: non-flattering memories will be counted
wrong)
9] where would i like to be in 10 yrs.?
10] where was i 10 yrs. ago?

how well do you know me?

2006-01-25T00:04:00.000-05:00

so i've wanted to get a tattoo for -- oh, i don't know, ever. i've always thought they were cool. (it's art, man! & it's on your body! it turns you in to art, man!) anyway, i've never gotten one, 'cause i didn't want to be stuck w/ something idiotic when i'm 55, which is pessimistic, realistic & optimistic @ the same time, isn't it?
pessimistic because i expect everything that i think is cool, or witty, or meaningful right this second to seem stupid to future me. (future me is such a jerk!)
realistic, because everything i thought was cool, or witty, or meaningful in the past now seems stupid to me. (past me is such an idiot!)
optimistic, because i'm planning to still be alive by then.
anyway, what should i get? i want something cool, witty & meaningful. something i'll be happy with until the day i die. any suggestions? (warning: your answers will show how well you actually know me.)

antidisestablishmentarianism

2006-01-22T02:48:00.000-05:00

so, i was right again. i know, it's not news, or anything; i usually am. but since nobody else seems to like to point it out...
the conversation went @ like this:
"antidisestablishmentarianism."
"so that means you're for the man."
"no, not necessarily."
"yeah, man. look: i'm the man. if you're not against me, you're for me, dude."

antidisestablishmentarianism
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: originally, opposition to the disestablishment of the Church of England, now opposition to the belief that there should no longer be an official church in a country

clouded epiphanies

2006-01-22T01:40:00.000-05:00

My morning Bilbe study yesterday included 1Peter, 2:18-23. You know, on submission to authority: "Servants, be submissive to your masters..." I thought @ it all day, & something kept bugging me. I finally realized that it's Matthew, 6:24: "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one & Love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one & despise the other..."

Assuming one works for other than a Godly "master", how shall these passages be reconciled? If, to act in good faith as a functionary of an employer, one must act willfully against his conscience, is he not caught between The Rock & a hard place? To be faithful to the teachings of Christ, he must follow his conscience. But what's that twinge of guilt he feels for not having acted in his employer's best interest? This same employer we are taught by Peter to serve "with goodwill doing service, as unto the Lord..." (Ephesians, 6:7).

I know it seems a pedantic objection; it is easily reconciled, in theory. But in practice, it is something altogether different. Well, okay. Not altogether, but different, nonetheless. The simplest &, I would think, the 1st answer would be that the man should not be working for said employer, if he can not in good conscience carry out his duties in that capacity. But what about 1Timothy, 5:8? "But if anyone does not provide for his own, & especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith & is worse than an unbeliever." But to that, one might say, "...do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew, 6:25&26).

Anyone got any input?

resolution/revolution

2006-01-11T23:28:00.000-05:00

when i think @ new year's resolutions, i think @ failure. not even my own, necessarily. it seems everyone fails to realize their new year's resolution. (everyone except you, reader. you'll stick to yours, i know it!) i don't think anyone can realistically expect to successfully change their lives as if they were flipping a switch. "lights are on; lights are off. i'm a lazy, selfish glutton; i'm a model citizen." not that it never happens, but i expect i'll just win the lottery before that works for me. (i don't play the lottery.)

of course, my own failures do color my impression, i'm sure. i'm batting 1000, as far as breaking resolutions. wanna know why? me, too.

the problem with resolutions is in the definition of the word. a typical resolution begins, "i will..." no, i won't. i ought to have figured that out by now. i can't do it. i'm not strong enough. we all of us fall short. we all miss the mark.

unless we cheat. i never have to fall short, if i set the bar low enough; i need never miss the mark, if i aim at something already within reach. oh, but wait. that's no way to affect a change, now is it? well, what if i just hire a ringer? someone to give be a boost, so i can set the bar as high as i please? someone to guide my arm, & keep me on target. hang on, i think i might be onto something.

i resolve to cheat @ every turn. i'm not going to do any of the work myself. i'm going to lean on my Helper, & let Him carry me. but then, that's not really a resolution, is it? i haven't actually resolved to do anything. yet, by revolting against the idea that i'm good enough to do it myself, i've now resolved every possible conflict in my life. revolt=resolve.

then, here is my new year's revolution: i surrender my imperfect will. i haven't the will-power to accomplish anything, so i lend Him my will, & He lends me His power. it's like reverse independence day.

a new top 5

2006-01-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

okay, everybody. maybe this isn't the best option for a 1st post after a 3-month hiatus, but when have i ever conformed to convention?
TOP 5 QUOTES OF ALL TIME
---------------------------------
1] What we have here, is failure to communicate. Some men, you just can't reach. So, you get what we had here last week. Which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.
-from "Cool Hand Luke"

I'll post more of mine after i sea some from you guys.

Proverbs 31:10-31

2005-10-16T01:41:00.000-04:00

If GOD is like the sun,
then a good wife is like the moon.
She is always there,
always the same,
always different.
Depending on the day,
the week, the month.
Depending on the circumstance.
When the Sun is nowhere to be seen,
it is His light reflected by the moon that guides men.
If a man casts his shadow across her,
how will he sea his hand in front of his face?
He is lost;
he must be still,
& wait for the morning.
The next night,
he will have learned
to step out of the way.

church & state

2005-10-08T01:03:00.000-04:00

so i was thinking...
was Jesus Christ a liberal, or a conservative? there are so many angles to the subject, it almost gave me a headache.

recycled thoughts: 03APR05

2005-10-08T00:56:00.000-04:00

the sunset through the kitchen window is beautiful, & sad. the sunset has always been there, its beauty hidden behind the beauty of the forest between my window & the horizon. this new beauty is revealed @ the expense of the the old, beautiful forest which now no longer exists.
the awe of a dazzling sunset is lessened by the memory of what has been lost.

recycled thoughts: 01APR05

2005-10-08T00:39:00.000-04:00

here's a phrase i don't believe in: "i Love you, but..." this implies that there is a consideration more important than Love. this, to me, is unacceptable.
if GOD is Love, it follows that @ least the concept, if not the word itself, should be regarded as sacred. if i truly Love you, every actoin will be an expression of that Love. i will never say,"i Love you but..." i will say instead, "i Lve you, so..." or "i Love you &..." the profession of my Love will be followed by the expression of my Love.

stolen thunder

2005-10-08T00:27:00.000-04:00

1) reply w/your name & i'll write something "random" @ you.
2) i'll tell you what movie &/or song reminds me of you.
3) pick a flavor of jello in which to wrestle w/you.
4) say something that only makes sense to you.
5) give you a nickname.
6) tell you what animal you remind me of .
7) then i'll ask you something i've always wondered @ you.

recycled thoughts: 07MAR05

2005-10-08T00:20:00.000-04:00

so what's the deal w/ taxing my income tax refund? no way is that ethical, or in any way justifiable. they already got a 24month, interest-free loan outta me, & now they want some back?

recycled thoughts: 28FEB05

2005-10-08T00:15:00.000-04:00

i caught a man picking up the cigarette i'd just discarded today. when he was done w/ it, i went over & gave him a fresh one. he was lighting it as i drove away. the deed left me w/ mixed feelings.

recycled thoughts: 27JAN05

2005-10-08T00:04:00.000-04:00

my engine runs hot, & my feet stay cold. you'd think there might be a single solution for both these problems, but you'd be wrong. dead wrong.

city of excess, 1st installment

2005-09-22T02:25:00.000-04:00

__a few photos of what a vegas hotel is realy like:

the venetian

more of the venetian

and some more...

the foyer of the venetian, "cistine" as it is...

this is "the sky of canal street". it's not actually the sky-- or a street. it's not even outdoors; the ceiling is painted, & the lighting changes based on the time of day.

__more to come...

(half-)drunken ramblings...

2005-09-22T00:23:00.000-04:00

__has anyone ever noticed (or have i just been unlucky?) that the master bath never has a fan? the hall bathroom always, always has a fan, but the master bath just gets a window. like a window is sufficient equipment with which to dispose of the impending malodor (if that's actually a word) . considering that, being the master bath, it's likely to be used in expectation of... well, whoopie, shouldn't there be a more sophisticated odor control system in place, with which to provide a more conducive atmosphere for said whoopie?
__or is it just me?

las vagrants?

2005-09-20T22:29:00.000-04:00

__so i'm in vegas on business for the week... what's a boy to do? what's a happily married non-gambler to do? the rooms are so much nicer, but it's still just another hotel.
__another big, comfy, lonely bed...

__& what's "las vegas" mean anyway? "the vegas"? who're the vegas? & how come they get a city names after them? & why'd they put the city in the middle of a mountain range?
__they ain't too bright, them vegas.

my top 5 list

2005-09-05T00:46:00.000-04:00

__so i guess all couples are allowed to create a list of celebrities w/whom they're allowed a 1-night-stand, right? hope so, 'cause here's mine. (i haven't laminated it yet...)
1. penelope cruz
2. salma hayek
3. julia stiles
4. catherine zeta-jones
5. kelly ripa
__anyone else brave enough to comment?

"menace to society"

2005-08-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

__so i was thinking...
__the movie's supposed to convey (presumably) a message of social responsibility, etc. right? but doesn't it really do just the opposite? consider o-dog, the care-free banger. you know, the only one to escape the ending credits w/ his life? isn't the real message that a young, urban, black man takes away from the film something along the lines of, "it doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you don't get caught"? or, "no quantity of right decisions can help you escape your ghetto fate"?
__i know for a fact that today, as we remembered the movie, o-dog was the star of the conversation.

jenn-a-juice

2005-08-11T21:21:00.000-04:00

jenn-a-juice
so ya sucked me in. come sea mine @ http://crawdaddylonglegs.blogspot.com
mine aren't ever going to be as patterned as yours, but whatever. my list won't read like a season of "seinfield," or "friends." call me when ya get some time.
by the way: what i could understand of that 2nd poem was pretty good; cell phones make great flashlights (if you're ever stuck inside a dog w/ a good book); & i totally agree w/ you @ libraries. what are they doing w/ our taxes, if not buying crappy writing utensils? well, your taxes; i don't pay any.

1st time, 1st try

2005-08-11T20:43:00.000-04:00

__having never even read a blog 'til my sister got her own, i'm a little out of the loop to begin with. add to that the pressure of having to come up w/ something to write @, minus any real inspiration (no missing pencils, no spanish poetry springing to mind), & i'm pretty depressed over the lack of wit that may turn out to be the real me. luckily, long-winded as i am, i may write long enough-- & w/ sufficient utilisation of multisyllabic words-- to convince myself otherwise.
__and just to be completely up-front & honest, i fully intend to use previously written or vocalized thoughts as if they were brand new. they will all be my own, of course, but not strictly "original," in the sense that they are recent.
__ guess that'll be all for now. maybe next time i'll actually write about something.
__...maybe not.